Dangers of putting two vulnerable and fragile people together.
It was the acclaimed day of the hearts, the day of love. I wasn’t expecting anything, wasn’t ecstatic like other people as they wore their red outfits since it is Valentine’s Day. I did dress up nicely, thinking that maybe somehow if I felt pretty I would exude actual beauty. Maybe it worked, since I spent the rest of that day with you.
It was after class and we were talking about the fact that it was indeed Friday, and it would have been a sin to go home early. I casually asked if you wanted to eat, you said yes right away, and I felt that you were excited about it. I just didn’t want to ruin it for you.
We ate Japanese food, debated about art, science, beliefs, experiences. The night did not end with a dinner, I asked if you wanted to drink a bottle of beer, and you being the more innocent yet game individual, agreed once again. We had our drinks and laughed some more.
The night still did not end there, since you accompanied me to my friend’s house when I took the puppy that I waited for so long. It was past 9 when we walked back to the university. We took turns in carrying the dog, you even talked to it as if it was your own.
I was very happy because I made a new friend, and I could feel that you let your walls come down as I try to know you better. You did have deeper dimensions, and my analysis of you still is not 100% accurate.
The next meeting, which was today, you smiled when I walked in and said hi. I was late so I couldn’t really talk to you, and we were not seated next to each other. I could feel that throughout the discussion you were trying to catch my eye, and I felt happy because you wanted to make the connection.
You celebrated your birthday the day after Valentine’s, and I wanted to give you something really nice. I bought some Prang watercolor and took one of my stock sketchpads. I gave it to you casually earlier (yes, I am trying to be as smooth and casual as I can be) and then you beamed.
You messaged me tonight. You are just so happy and thankful, and I am as blissful since I can already predict that you will use my gift splendidly.
"I can see in her eyes, there’s something different. Either she showed no emotion, or was in a constant state of numbness. A little part of her died, and it’s rotting inside."
So recently I find myself getting close to people then suddenly drifting away.
I find myself getting attracted to good-boy-peg guys because of the illusion that they will not hurt me because “good boy”.
I find myself extremely exhausted with social interaction I need time for myself.
I find myself withdrawn from my other friends.
I find myself becoming more grade conscious.
I find myself depressed most of the time.
Sadly though, I can’t find who I am, I’m lost.
But. You know what they say, sometimes you really don’t want to be lost, you just want to be found.
Your existence makes me nearly cry. I still can’t believe that a guy like you exists, well at least in this country.
Recently people are saying that everyone has a Robin, that one person who’s like your soulmate, that one person who will make you ultimately happy—but you cannot have that person. You guys will never be together, and you just have to accept that fact, live your life and let that person go.
It’s kind of early to say that you’re like that to me, but if in 10 years time and I still don’t meet someone who is at least half as awesome as you, then I guess you are my Robin.
Looking at you now, I know that you are happy, you have found your lovely being and she’s making you more blissful than you could ever imagined.
Stay like that. Stay being you, darling.
Maybe it’s the fact that I am not feeling well physically—I think I’m catching a cold and my body is still aching from camping. Nevertheless, the empty and depressed core of mine is sucking the little life that is left of me.
I talked to a friend and it was nice because I could feel her trust, I felt worthy because she was sharing intimate and emotional stories which could not just be blurted out to the public. I felt special because of this, and remembering this moment made me think about that after-lunch break. We were drinking smoothies and eating bread, and as she unraveled her feelings through words I can feel myself tearing up for no reason. I held back the tears and tried to breathe deeply.
Is this it? Is the overdue meltdown finally coming?
For some unknown reason, this time I didn’t mention a lot of my issues. I was just listening, nodding, trying to think of good advice. I felt like if I spent just a minute of talking about my unresolved dilemmas, it’ll just come pouring out in the form of salty water coming from my dull eyes.
Today was not as ~*swell*~ either. I get immediately pissed off, the world is just really not on my side I guess.
I get spikes of happiness and then it disappears. I don’t want other people to make me happy. I want to make myself feel that way.
"I remember that it hurt. Looking at her hurt."
Can the overdue meltdown come already?
It would really help because I got this ice box where my heart used to be and it would feel nice if I felt less cynical, less empty, more contented, more loved.
Really though, are my walls that obvious?
I don’t know it’s like every time I get close to people, I become happy but some time after I’m immediately hit by the thought that “nope, calm your shit, it’s nothing.” I hate expecting and assuming, and I guess what’s happening to me is either I feel all the emotions, or I don’t have any at all. One giant black hole, if you may.
It’s too early to say anything but you are an interesting person, you’re like a direct compliment to almost everything that I am. Anyway I am happy with your company.
But yes, I can still feel my hesitance. I can still feel the urge to build a gate, because I think only who is worthy can come through.
I guess the wrong thing that I’ve been doing all this time is that I keep on pushing all of my feelings away.
I never truly settle them because come on I’ve been through enough pain in life, I don’t need anything that would make me more fragile than I am now.
I can feel the emotions resurfacing. I’m not sure what to do.